Ephemeral Happiness

misinterpretation

Bon, three entries ago, you commented on my "Human Nature" essay by asking me what happened. I'm ready to respond now.

I don't know if I was like this in high school, but apparently, Kiko tells me I have this compulsive habit of doing things for other people...as in, going out of my way just to please someone. It disturbs me to discover that it's true, and more importantly, it depresses me to realize that this compulsion never ceases to give me a heavy heart.

I'm learning so much about myself through this blog because my entries reflect who I am. I also have a previous essay here entitled "Either-Or", and I now recognize that I am an either-or person. This means that if I choose to be part of something, I can't just be in the background. I have to be 100% passionate about it. Otherwise, I wouldn't bother joining at all. This, I'm afraid, is where I am misinterpreted, especially in this household.

Don't get me wrong! I'm living with good people. It's just that they see the household as a family, and as you know, family members always get on each others' nerves at one point or another. It's a different story if I were just a "border" here, and if I could lock myself up in my room and mind my own business all day. Of course, if you are part of a family, you have chores assigned to you, and you have to put in an equal share in everything that the family does/buys/plans.

Since I am an either-or person, when it comes to chores, I choose not to mind other people when it's their turn to work. Corollary to that, I don't like being bothered when it's my turn to work. I may have a problem with other people telling me what to do when I think I can handle it.

I think this is where I have problems with the people I'm living with. In choosing not to mind them, I am seen as indifferent; and in choosing not to be bothered when I'm working, I am seen as a control freak who refuses to learn. Maybe the way they see me is true, but they don't know the whole story.

For the last 3 months that I've been here, I have been waking up extra early to prepare breakfast and packed lunch for them. Recently, however, I've been "criticized" about the sandwiches I've been making. They said at first that they didn't have time to eat it because school was so hectic, and then they retracted that and said that they'd find time to eat if I prepared specific kinds of sandwiches for them.

Being the all-or-nothing person that I am, I lost my motivation to continue what I was doing. For the past week, I have been staying in bed until late afternoon. I have left the breakfast and lunch responsibility to them because I think they don't see my efforts as satisfactory enough for their standards.

Now I'm stuck in this dilemma: if I choose to "serve" them again, then I might be shot down for my efforts once more. If, on the other hand, I choose to stand my ground and act indifferent, I'll have this feeling of guilt to carry with me, and I'll forever think that I have neglected my duties in this household.

Bon, you're the expert when it comes to living with people. How is it done?

Disclaimer: Kiko is not one of "them". I have talked to him about it, and he's just as confused as I am.

If I may say so, sometimes, I hate "pakikisama". It can force you to be such a fake.

posted by Mae @ 5:06 AM