Ephemeral Happiness

You Don't by Rozzi Crane

Remember how we felt before I figured it out Before the curtain fell, before the spark went out You go, I stay, you rush and I just wait You stand, I fall. You take and I got nothing at all, nothing at all. Don't speak. I hear words that you don't mean. Don't breathe. Every move, my knees get weak. I see now, right away, I can't go and I can't stay. Oh all this time I just held on tight to the thought that you might love me. You don't, you don't, you don't. I'm stuck up in the clouds and you're way down on the ground. We're lying face to face, the silence painfully loud. You go, I stay, you rush and I just wait. I build, you break. I give and you just push, you push it away.

posted by Mae @ 9:05 AM 0 comments

hello, familiar friend

Looking at the title of this blog, I can't help but admit that this is the story of my life.

Case in point: right now, I am the happiest I have ever been, and perhaps, the happiest I'll ever be. Yet, there is this nagging thought that this is ephemeral, not because I think something will happen out of nowhere that will rob me of this happiness. (Although I am not saying that a life-chainging event is impossible, I am recognizing that it is improbable). It is more of an awareness, or perhaps a tendency, for my heart to feel more pain than joy.

I could be extremely satisfied with my current state, and then all of a sudden see a movie or a TV ad that tugs at my heart, and it'll send me down a road of depression for a couple of hours. I could be laughing one second, and then the next feeling like bawling just because I heard that somewhere in the world, hate still exists.

I know what you're probably thinking: BIPOLAR, HELLO! It can't get any more textbook than this!

There's a certain part of me, though, that thinks it's the familiarity of the pain that makes me this way. It is almost as if pain is a long lost friend that, when found even just hinting at a comeback, takes over my entirety.

The depression never lasts very long, but it does recur more often than I think it should. This disturbs me because it makes me wonder if people are, in fact, "built" either naturally happy or sad.

posted by Mae @ 8:04 PM 0 comments

BACK

It's been almost three years, quite a while. But I'm back, hopefully, with more insights about how to live this life and handle a rollercoaster of emotions.

posted by Mae @ 8:13 AM 0 comments

a new leaf

Reading previous posts, I realize that I may have had too much time in my hands in the past. It's disappointing to find out that at 27, I am still as juvenile as I was back in high school. UGH.

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: I resolve to turn into a new leaf. Because it CAN happen overnight, RIGHT?

posted by Mae @ 4:42 PM 2 comments

love letter for no one

Dear You,

I thought I had kicked the habit. I thought I was done finding people I could never get enough of. And then you came and screwed it all up.

I've always wondered what it was like to be like you: void of emotion, free of any needs and desires. Then I wondered if being like you was any different from being empty inside.

The way things are going, maybe it's not so bad being empty nowadays. I fear that what is becoming the true currency of our times is a person's ability to be indifferent.


Only Me

posted by Mae @ 7:09 PM 1 comments

random thought #486

Does anybody really go through life without any deep scars? It just seems impossible.

posted by Mae @ 5:12 PM 0 comments

a strong comeback

No, this is not a "love your own" title that introduces a composition about how I haven't written for such a long time and how this is a kicka** entry that is "my strong comeback."

Neither is it about a witty retort to someone's pickup line or insult.

This is about the cynic in me.

I didn't think it was possible to become more of a pessimist than I was in High School. At that time, I was sure that there was no other way but up. Man, was I wrong.

Here I am, in my late 20's, thinking more than ever that there is nothing for us to discover in this world except for disappointment. Granted, it wasn't always like this. We are to blame. We are from a generation that sets itself up for the worst. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Hey, on the bright side, at least we're prepared for it, at the back of our minds.

You may ask, what am I talking about. Let me tell you.

I never thought that I would ever want to hurt a living thing, ever. After having gone through my fair share of horrible boyfriends, I thought nothing could break me and ever make me want revenge so badly. If I surpassed my long list of ex-bfs, without trying to hurt each one of them no matter how much they hurt me, then I'm clear. Vengeance is not my thing. Little did I know that teaching would make me want to wish bad things on young people. What? They're kids? They don't know any better? That's just the thing. THEY DO KNOW BETTER. And they know they'll get away with anything because everyone excuses "kids."

Also, all that happy ending crap? We were all told it wasn't true. We were warned. Yet, how come we always keep hoping for it? Here I was, cynical as I could be, preparing for a future alone, thinking that I would never get married. Then my mind played tricks on me. I thought that since I found a decent guy, I COULD have that happy ending that everyone warned me was just fictional. What do I get? Well, a wedding which cost me all my old friends, and a sinking feeling that I won't be able to sustain this since I know how neurotic I am.

So, there you go. That's the sum of all the things that have happened since I last wrote here. I've found that I am more negative than I ever was, despite the luck that I have come across. Who knows what the future holds? I wonder if there'll be a word coined for something more severe than a cynic. I'll look into it.

posted by Mae @ 3:05 PM 0 comments